[DavoErlo]

There was once a monastery near a small town and in the monastery lived a group of friars. To support themselves and to make ends meet this particular group of friars sold plants and flowers to the local villagers. One day one of the friars brought a venus fly trap to the monastery. They all fell in love with it and instead of letting it catch flies naturally they started to feed it. It started to grow.

They fed it flies and mosquitoes, it grew larger.

They fed it mice and rats, it grew larger.

They started to feed it cats and dogs and it still grew.

Eventually it got so large that they were feeding it cows and horses stolen from the nearby town.

The villagers finally caught onto what was going on in the monastery and tried to stop the friars but each time their plans where thwarted. They hired a mercenary called Hugh to do something about it. Hugh stormed the monastery, killed the friars and destroyed the plant.

Which just goes to prove ..... Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars!!!

[smarmyprince]

Two Eskimos were sitting in their kayak. It started to get really cold, so one of them lit a fire in the kayak to keep warm. Naturally, the kayak sank, proving you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

There was a pun competition going on, and a man decided to up his odds by submitting ten puns, hoping at least one would win. No pun in ten did.

[Alchymist]

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

[Ballie]

There was once a fly flying lazily around a farmyard when it saw a massive piece of horse dung that had just been mucked out of the stables. Landing on the dung, the fly decided to have some lunch, so it started eating. The dung was so delicious that the fly just could not stop eating it, until eventually, it had eaten the lot! Now fat and content, the fly tried to take off to fly home, but found that it had over-indulged and was too fat to fly! Looking around desperately, it spied a pitchfork propped up against the side of the stables. Slowly, it dragged its engorged body up the pitchfork, inch by inch, until it stood on the top of the handle. Taking a deep breath, the fly launched itself from the handle of the pitchfork, but was still so heavy that it fell straight to the ground and died.

It just goes to show that you shouldn't fly off the handle when you're full of shit.

[gylbert]

Q: Why was the Russian painter's river landscape censored by his government?

A: Because it was Ob-scene
(Click and drag to reveal)

The joke assumes some familiarity with Russian geography

This post has been edited by gylbert: 21 July 2009 - 01:56 PM