[Alchymist]

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

1.
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consisted performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment." To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favorites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.

3.
When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely
David Blocker
Network Administrator

[willtheoct]

didn't break a smile.

[Deadboy]

not as funny as you would think ... to close to the truth actually.

if you want network admin humor
the inestimable BOFH will provide find at
http://www.theregist...o.uk/odds/bofh/

[Cybercat]

I don't think blackmailing your employer is funny at all. Not even if he's an asshole.

[The Illusionist]

Deadboy is telling the truth - that letter is too tragically close to the real thing to be funny!

Thanks for posting, though. I didn't know about "Point #1", and I'm just evil enough to try it for myself someday...

[Claire Tigre]

i do that often, and nearly every manager at my old job has given a bad reference, ive taken to putting down the 'assistant manager' and her cell phone. its hard enough to get a job these days without managers taking frustrations out on my references.

unfortunately, even if you do get them in trouble for it, its basically a slap on the wrist, maybe a fine, but the damage is still done.

This post has been edited by Claire Tigre: 12 July 2009 - 12:41 PM

[redtangerine]

i do that often, and nearly every manager at my old job has given a bad reference, ive taken to putting down the 'assistant manager' and her cell phone. its hard enough to get a job these days without managers taking frustrations out on my references.

unfortunately, even if you do get them in trouble for it, its basically a slap on the wrist, maybe a fine, but the damage is still done.

A little fact that I learned while working in retail and then speaking to a labor lawyer (one of the assisstant manager's parents is a labor lawyer) is that previous employers are not supposed to speak ill of former (or current, as the case might be) employees. They can get in legal trouble, as Claire said is usually a fine or slap on the wrist, if they do such.

Now, as a soon-to-be employed teacher, I have unions to protect me (never thought I'd be thankful for a union...)

[Alchymist]

Maybe I have a sick sense of humor, but when I first read this, I started crying. This is why you don't do dodgy things around work.

That shit will bite you in the ass.