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Twilight If 'Twilight' Was 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

#1 Scarlet Speedster

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 08:25 AM

http://www.cracked.c....re-honest.html

Select excerpts:

KRISTEN STEWART: Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

--

ROBERT PATTINSON: Alright, you got me. I was acting like a jerk because I secretly totally love you.

KRISTEN STEWART: Of course! This also explains why the captain of the football team always acted like he hated Stephanie Meyer!

---

KRISTEN STEWART: Wow, you guys are so close. What keeps this family together so well?

PETER FACINELLI: Funny you should ask. Let me tell you about Count Joseph Von Smith. One day a vampire named Moronula appeared to him and told him to find these golden stakes buried in a coffin...

---

PETER FACINELLI: Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.

ROBERT PATTINSON: Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?

---

ROBERT PATTINSON: So, the next generation of young women are currently flocking to see a female lead starring in a movie by a female director based on a bestselling book by a female author, and in this movie the main character wants to become completely submissive and self-sacrificing for a male.

KRISTEN STEWART: I love you. Put a baby in me.

ROBERT PATTINSON: At least the other three books can't possibly be more misogynistic and depressing.

They ARE.

END

The Misadventures of My Imaginary Friends

#2 Bodhisattva

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 09:36 AM

Wow. Another stunning movie review from the guy who hates everything. This needed its own topic because...?

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly."

- Albert Einstein, 1940

QUOTE (Montreal Meet)

Surprise!

Author of Children of the First.

#3 Scarlet Speedster

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 09:52 AM

Aww, but I like you

.

I started a topic because it's a pretty popular movie/book and after searching I didn't come across any for it.

The Misadventures of My Imaginary Friends

#4 Link K2B

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 07:48 PM

We sell like a billion of those books every day, so I'm gona ave to agree with Scarlet, it's prolly rubbish. The series is only outside by Julie Walters' autobiography. Ya. Some people should really never be taught to read should they.

On the upside though, Oliver Wood from the Harry Potter films appears to be in it, Dreamboat!

#5 Scarlet Speedster

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 08:44 PM

QUOTE (Link K2B @ Dec 14 2008, 07:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

On the upside though, Oliver Wood from the Harry Potter films appears to be in it, Dreamboat!

I thought it was Cedric Diggory?

The Misadventures of My Imaginary Friends

#6 Link K2B

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Posted 14 December 2008 - 09:01 PM

Damn. I'm clearly not the fangirl I aspire to

#7 b00

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Posted 07 January 2009 - 08:54 PM

Twilight...

Goddamnit! I can't find a vomit emoticon ANYWHERE! How can I properly express my dislike for this?

I read this a while ago though, SS. And though I haven't seen the movie, I laughed my ass off. The entire thing makes me shudder.

"People are too highstrung. They should smoke more often."

The sun rises in the morning without fail. There's a sure sign that optimism works.

I live a charmed life.

#8 Jeff N.

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 12:50 AM

I seriously want to kick Stephanie Meyer in the ovaries for this little piece of trash.

QUOTE(Antonius @ Oct 22 2008, 01:02 AM)

If you open, they will be dumb... :D

QUOTE(Useless Trivia Man @ Jun 28 2008, 08:03 AM)

Heh, you said 'heroic erection.'

Me- It's official, Mael is now my shoulder devil from Oz

Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science.
Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"

#9 Waycos

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 09:37 AM

It's a vampire book, written by a mormon, who had never seen a vampire movie or read a vampire story, and it's written for 13 yr olds. And people are complaining that it's poorly written? Someone get the "obvious" sticker.

Oldest MOD EVER! ... again.

Stop by the Movie Forum! It's where we have .... stuff... on movies... but no chicks, that's in the DH.
Linky here --> CLICK ME

#10 Orelinde

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Posted 08 January 2009 - 09:43 AM

I saw the movie and didn't like it at all. I'm really into vampires but I didn't like the kind of "vampires" these ones are. I do think the movie had potential though. Had *I* been the director I think I could have made it acceptable. And if I had done the casting.

Also, S.M. felt VERY strongly about keeping the rating G. I think if she would have been more lenient and there had been a real fight instead of the 12 seconds of one we saw and if they would have been more sex (maybe not complete, smutty, dirty monkey sex but intimacy in general), it would have better.

I could pretty much point out everyone in the crowd who had read the book very easily.

"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."
- Jonathan Davis

I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

You’re so close to me that you nearly died

#11 adventure grrrl

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Posted 09 January 2009 - 11:07 AM

I haven't read the book, but I was talked into taking my ex's 17 yr old sister and 10yr old brother to see it. I found it to be loooong and rather tedious. What I did enjoy was seeing some of the Columbia River Gorge in the forest scenes....my old haunts!

#12 Joe Dalton

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Posted 23 January 2009 - 04:34 AM

QUOTE (Waycos @ Jan 8 2009, 09:37 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I know we disagree on things, but I love you for this.

Won't you have some fun with me?

I'll be damned if I'm taking the stairs--the elevator was out of service once, I called in sick - someone with great wisdom.

Clearly you are wrong, proof of this is that you disagree with me.

I'm not crazy, I'm just very creative with my sanity.

#13 adventure grrrl

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Posted 23 January 2009 - 11:42 AM

To be honest, until the movie came out and the ex's 17yr old sister was reading the book, I'd heard nothing about Twilight at all. I'm just not in the "cool" loop I spoze. A bunch of adults told me how wonderful and great it was, and how I simply HAVE to read the books. I wondered if it would be comparable to Anne Rice at all. NOT. After enduring the movie I have no desire to trudge through the books.

I had no idea the author was a mormon...that explains soooooooo much.

#14 Moloch

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Posted 23 January 2009 - 11:58 PM

The author is a mormon?! Pffft, I grew up mormon, and I have to tell you, she obviously didn't learn how to break through all of that brainwashing crap. You want real horror, read something a true connoisseur of the genre rights, not some tripe trotted out by a teen hack who wants to see the popular girls all bleed for rightfully excluding her.

Can you tell that I have issues with some people - especially those who mangle my all-time favorite creature? Anne Rice was a GODDESS, and Lestat was the ultimate Modern Vampire. This brat can only hope to be a sweat rag for Anne Rice, especially if 'Twilight' is her masterpiece.

I think perhaps I need to stop here... before I lose it completely and people's heads start exploding....

"Kittehs - Death is their playmate!" - Me(In reference to Artemis and Miri playing with dead things in the house to entertain themselves, instead of all the expensive crap we buy for them.)

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#15 xxbrokenwingsxx

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Posted 05 February 2009 - 03:46 PM

Saw the movie: blah. Tried to read the books: double blah. Didn't work for me :/

#16 Joe Dalton

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Posted 06 February 2009 - 03:09 AM

QUOTE (xxbrokenwingsxx @ Feb 5 2009, 04:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Saw the movie: blah. Tried to read the books: double blah. Didn't work for me :/

You know? Since most movies based on books butchers the book, one has to be curious to the effect of a bad book being made into a movie... question answered.